Dogbert's Top Secret Management Handbook

Behind the closed doors of corporate management lurks a manifesto so devious, so insidious, and of such diabolic power, it has the ability to transform normal human beings into paradigm — spewing zombies. Its purpose: to help bosses stick it to their employees. Its author: none other than Dogbert, the canine corporate consultant out to rule the world.

All too often, new managers make mistakes such as rewarding good work with good pay, communicating clearly and improving departmental efficiency. Dogbert shows that this could have devastating consequences: Employees begin to expect fair treatment and compensation, productive workers show results (making managers look bad by comparison), and the department's future budget allotment could be decreased because it spends only what it needs.

Drawing from his years of experience tormenting Dilbert and advising his boss, our Machiavellian mutt uses pithy essays, illustrated by scores of comic strips, to teach neophyte managers such potent practices as:

The power of verbal instructions: Sound like a boss while maintaining complete deniability!

Empty promises of promotion: all the motivational benefits, none of the costs!

Pretending to care: Learn how to hear without listening!

Incentives: Inspire employees by giving them worthless knickknacks!

Once again firmly establishing Scott Adams as the spokesman for the absurdities of the workplace (and Dogbert as the guru of sticking it to the masses), Dogbert's Top Secret Management Handbook is the perfect gift for all cubicle dwellers and their bosses.

• Background
• Introduction
• Why You Need This Handbook

1. Acting like a Manager
1. Two Paths of Management
2. Manager Language
3. Management Zombie Stare
4. Looking like a Manager
5. Management Personalty
6. Talking Too Long
7. Technology Primer for Managers
8. Managing Your Calendar
9. Being Late for Meetings
10. Executive Retreats
11. Management Physics
12. Making Decisions
13. Trust
14. Leadership
15. Identifying Potential Managers
2. Motivating People
1. Employee Satisfaction
2. Hierarchy of Needs
3. Motivation Task Force
4. Shallow Compliment Program
5. Pretending to Care
6. Worthless Gifts
7. Forced Interaction with Unpleasant People
8. Interesting Work
9. Challenge
10. Certificates of Appreciation
11. Empty Promises of Promotions
12. A Chance to Meet a Vice President
13. Cash Awards for Things That Would Happen Anyway
14. Incentives for Bringing Your Germs to Work
15. Objectives
16. Performance Evaluations
17. Increasing Productivity
18. Team-Building Exercises
19. Removing Obstacles
20. Employee Rejection Plan
21. Setting Priorities
22. Micromanaging
23. Creating a False Sense of Urgency
24. Casual Day
25. Competition
26. Rumor Control
3. Communicating
1. Verbal Instructions
2. Newsletter
3. Staff Meetings
4. Making Presentations
5. Your New ESP
6. Your Employees Have Easy Jobs
4. Success Strategies
1. Taking Credit for Your Employees Ideas
2. Blundering Your Way to the Top
3. Training
4. Empowerment
5. Diversity
6. Hiring Consultants
7. Reorganizations
8. Artificial Compliance
9. Merging
5. Compensation
1. Compensation Programs
2. Setting Bonuses for Subordinates
3. Why You're Paid So Much
6. Getting Rid of Employees
1. Downsizing
2. Encouraging People to Quit
3. Staffing Levels
7. How to Be a Happy Manager
1. Money Can't Buy Happiness
2. Whining Strategies
3. The Employee Morale Trap
4. Dealing with Bad Employees
5. Secretaries
6. Delegating All Your Work
7. One-on-One Reviews
8. Creating Strategies
9. Human Resources
10. Identifying Suck-ups
8. Conclusion
1. Common Sense

• Appendix A: Management Resource List
• Appendix B: History of Management
1. In the Beginning

Sometimes you believe that some executive managers have read it and started to believe in it.