Weak at the Top

John Weak puts the man back into management

Monday

Recruitment week! This is where I play God and toy with other people's lives. Rigorously pre-sorted CVs. Photos first — don't want any swamp donkeys scowling round the office. Then checked interests. I will not work with anybody who thinks rambling is interesting. Found one with skydiving under interests. Crossed him off — can't have employees who are more interesting than you are. Hayley, my PA asked if she could go on a self-assertion course. I said no for the hundredth time.

Tuesday

Working from gym today. Told Hayley I need to spend more time looking at the figures. Have diverted all calls to our Customer Careline where they will be patronised to death by a recording which says they're held in a queue and we value their call very much. We don't tell them we value their call because we're charging them £3 a minute for it and the queue they're held in is a circular one.

Wednesday

Got in so late I hardly had time to bin post, delete e-mails and cancel meetings before lunch. In the afternoon called in top totty Emily Reimbold and gave her a quick 360° appraisal (if her skirt was any shorter it would be a collar). Asked her if she'd like to have dinner to discuss a more hands-on management style. She declined but I assured her my door was always open (the one marked 'Bedroom').

You don't want to work with him.

You certainly don't want to be him.

But you sure has hell want to read him.

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Incredibly funny.