What Would Machiavelli Do?

How did the rich and powerful individuals who move the earth get where they are today? Are they smarter? Faster? Better looking? Certainly not. Some are even short and ugly. What then, is their edge?

The answer is simple: they're meaner. That's all. And if you want to get where they're going, you'll be meaner, too.

The good news is that once you get started, it's easy. Walking in the steps of the Florentine master, Stanley Bing will show you how to be all the Machiavelli you can be. How to beat people who are smarter than you are. How to make other people cringe an whimper when you enter a room. How to get what you want when you want it whether you deserve it or not. Without fear. Without emotion. Without finger-wagging morality. One scalp at a time.

They do it. You can too.

What Would Machiavelli Do? is more than a road map for people who want to get to the top and stay there. It's a way of life you can use at home as well as the office. A way of seeing other people from 50,000 feet — as teeny-tiny ants you can squish. A simple, detailed plan for those with the courage to leave kindness and decency behind, to seize the future by the throat and make it cough up money, power and superior office space.

Some books are not for everybody. This one is. So start reading. Or get out of here. You're beginning to get on our nerves.

• He would exploit himself only slightly less than he exploits others
• He would be unpredictable, and thus gain the advantage
• He would be in love with his destiny
• He would be, for the most part, a paranoid freak
• He would always be at war
• He would cultivate a few well-loved enemies
• He would have a couple of good friends, too
• He would acquire his neighbor
• He would think BIG
• He would move forward like a great shark, eating as he goes
• He would kill people, but only if he could feel good about himself afterward
• He would fire his own mother, if necessary
• He would make a virtue out of his obnoxiousness
• He would be way upbeat!
• He would be satisfied with nobody but himself
• She would view her gender as both a liability and an asset
• He would use what he's got
• He would embrace his own madness
• He would do what he feels like doing, you idiot
• He would say what he felt like saying
• He would delegate all the crummy tasks, except the ones he enjoys
• He would exactly seek the company of ass-kissers and bimbos, but he wouldn't reject them out of hand, either
• He would respond poorly to criticism
• He would carry a grudge until the extinction of the cockroach
• He would lie when it was necessary
• He would be proud of his cruelty and see it as strength
• He would kick ass and take names
• He would permanently cripple those who disappoint him
• He would torture people until they were only too happy to destroy themselves
• He would feast on other people's discord
• He would make you fear for your life
• He would be loyal to the people who could put up with all this
• He would have no patience for anyfuckingbody….
• He would screw with people's weekends, wedding plans, open-heart surgery….
• He would put it in your face
• He would realize that loving yourself means never have to say you're sorry
• He would have no conscience to speak of
• He would scream at people a lot
• He would establish and maintain a psychotic level of control
• He would follow the money, honey
• He wouldn't be afraid to sling that bullshit
• He would eat to kill
• He would never retire
• He would have fun
• Afterword: What would Machiavelli Not Do?

If you know Machiavelli, you'll enjoy it. Otherwise, you'll find it boring.

And please remember, this is supposed to be a funny book…